America–After four long years of racist turmoil, religious extremism, dismissal by our allies, and abject policy failures, The Onion revealed today that the Trump presidency was a social experiment.
“The premise was, could we make our business model the dominant model over the next four years?” says an editor for The Onion speaking on condition of anonymity. “At what point does satire stop mocking real life and starts becoming real life? That was the question.”
Our sources at The Onion say the last four years has given them a wealth of data. One of the most revealing and alarming findings of the social experiment was how little it took to goad conservatives into a panicked state of bigoted violence.
“It didn’t take much. Just equate kneeling during the anthem to hate for America, throw in a sprig of potential socialism vis a vis no longer having the choice of whatever shitty insurance your employer offers, and top it off with a cult of cannibalistic pedophiles who conveniently support democrats and worship Baphomet and voila, good ol’ fashion Civil War. Instant bullshit made real life. It’s sorta sad when you think about it. I mean, day one the newsroom was in a panic because it was going to be too easy. Could we keep this up for four years?“
When pointing out that America has not yet faced a second Civil War, anonymous replied “There are limitations baked into the system. Honestly, the bulwark against civil war is consumerism. How can you have a civil war when we’re consuming ourselves out of existence? Put a McRib on the table. Only war you’re getting is a passive aggressive letter to McDonald’s about why the McRib should be a permanent menu item.” An astute and poignant observation indeed.
We asked The Onion for official comment and have yet to receive a response. This article will be updated if and when a response has been received.
Categories: Black & Hellbound Satirical News