Conservatives and the Art of BS

You know how to tell if a religion is total bullshit?  There are plenty of ways, chief among them a cursory reading of the religion’s holy book.  But the most amusing way to arrive at this conclusion is to just listen to the representatives of said religion speak.

Inner Demons

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Enter Bryan Fischer: radio host, Christian, and dumbfuck extraordinaire.  I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of a pastor claiming that Melania Trump requested an exorcism of the White House.  If you haven’t, check it out.  Cue America’s faction of idiocy, the Christian Right. 

Bryan Fischer—the supreme intellectual grand master of all things rational if we lived in a universe where we placed our most abjectly stupid people on a pedestal (it’s not lost on me that this is, in fact, the universe we currently occupy)—says that demons had a legal right to live in the White House.

Dafuq???

Okay, so I’m going to suspend my incredulity and just accept, for the sake of argument, that demons are real.  Is there a charter or some form of Bill of Rights for demons that I’m not aware of?  Is this something out of the Lesser Key of Solomon or did Bryan Fischer just finish wiping his ass with the Necronomicon and forget to flush?

From the Friendly Atheist, and in Fischer’s own words, “According to this pastor…Melania Trump demanded that there be a spiritual cleansing of the White House before she took up residency there…”  Why?  Because fucking demons, that’s why.  Demons apparently need occult objects—which the Clintons conveniently left behind about eighteen years go—to solidify their legal foundation for squatting in the White House.  Demons are basically everyone in Detroit who lost their home but couldn’t afford to leave.

Apparently that story of Melania requesting an exorcism isn’t true.  I’d be willing to wager Melania barely knows what a crucifix is, let alone any other occult object.

Will the real child molester please stand up?

Oh, you thought we were finished?

A pastor received a standing ovation for confessing to sexually assaulting a child who used to attend a church wherein he was the youth pastor twenty years ago.

One of the clear tells of a bullshit religion is a god who’s limp soft on sexual assault.  The Judeo-Christian god could give two fucks about sexual assault (just ask Lot’s daughters), so the good pastor has his place in heaven on lock.

Isn’t it amazing, though, that most of the child molesters seem to be more inclined to go to church and become leaders in the church rather than simply dressing like a woman and walking into the female bathroom in their local Target to find their victims?

For twenty years the church the now forty-two year old pastor worked at swept that shit under the rug.  No talk of forgiveness when the crime happened because that might have actually come with jail time.  Nope, God can forgive the sexual assault of a child, but don’t you dare blaspheme the Holy Spirit, marry a person with the same set of sexual organs you have, or be a woman not taking orders from a man.

The persecution of the American Christian

Adapted from my own Facebook post

Newsflash: Mike Pence feels persecuted as a Christian.

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Never mind he’s VPOTUS of a powerful nation whose Congress is 98% Christian; whose population is approximately 68% Christian; and that the VPOTUS works for a man who is comfortable deporting other Christians to places where they’ll likely be killed.

Nope… American Christians are persecuted because they have to live in a world where gays like to fuck each other, and transgenders like to be who the fuck they are.  And they like wedding cakes and photos, and other shit like using the fucking bathroom.

If that walking sack of anthropomorphic bullshit had his way, all the brown Christians, all the Muslims, and all the Jews would be stoned, burned, and gassed out of fucking existence. Pence is who we atheists are talking about when we say Christian Taliban and Christian Sharia (and I’d note that Christians tend to be disturbed by the fact that Muslims “believe in the supremacy of Sharia Law” while discounting the fact that the majority of Christians believe in the supremacy of what they call “Biblical Law”).  He’s a demagogue who doesn’t practice Christianity so much as utilizes its more authoritarian aspects to shape American thought on various subjects ranging from same-sex marriage to evidence-based research.  He’s anti-science, anti-woman, anti-human rights, anti-LGBTQ, and anti-letting-you-live-your-life.

Pence is no different, ideologically, than Ali Khamenei.

Looking at this week’s news, I find myself overcome with this rage I can’t really explain.  I feel like it’s something bordering on hatred.  That’s a very strong thing to say, I know, but hear me out.  I’m tired of the hypocrisy.  I’m tired of these politicians leading their flock of ignoramuses by the nose, imploring them to ignore all reason and just believe their “truth,” as if how they feel matters considering evidence that invalidates their feelings.  I’m not saying people shouldn’t have a belief.  Far from it.  You should be allowed to believe whatever you want to believe, because America was never a place where we regulated thought, no matter how absurd those thoughts were.

If you want to believe that God created man from dust and woman from a rib; that Noah lived to nine hundred years; or that Jesus died for your sins, believe that shit.  But stop with the demands that we all adhere to your own personal, egotistical interpretation of whatever version of the Bible you decide to cherry-pick to defend claims that, deep down, you know are ridiculous.

 

 

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