Picture this: 2016, you’re watching the election coverage, and one thing keeps bouncing around in your head.
We need change!
The people are clamoring for it. The followers of Christ yearn for it. Middle America, for so long ignored and forgotten by the Wall Street and Hollywood elites, the liberal professors looking down on them from their ivory towers, and the Washington deep state failing to deliver on promises while simultaneously taking everything from them and giving it to people who didn’t work for it, is ready for change.
Can you feel it?
No more Barack Obama and his pseudo-caliphate and communist cabinet. No more Crooked Hillary, plotting to subvert the nation’s laws for her own gain. No more swamp!
If you’re like me, you went into this election with high hopes. Your craving for change could only be satiated by one thing:
It should come as no surprise that, with as great a man as President Donald J. Trump is, he’d have his detractors. But I’ve come to know one thing: they just don’t understand why Trump is America’s greatest president.
Without a doubt, America has long suffered the withering pain of the outrage and pc cultures. Political correctness running amok, it was at a point where any honest opinion you held would be used to castigate you in the court of public opinion. Call a Hispanic person a wetback or suggest that most of them are rapists and drug dealers, people got up in arms. Say aloud that you think women should fulfill more traditional roles, like making you a sammich, and you were a sexist. Suggest that maybe Muslims can’t live in polite society without finding an excuse to blow it up, you’re a racist. Setting aside the fact that it’s stupid to call person a racist if they’ve a problem with a religion, the incessant bleating of the radical left, from college students to feminazis, sapped the spirits of good and decent people who just wanted to make it in this world.
Enter Trump. I mean, this motherfucker came in like a bull in a China shop. You wanted to hear Merry Christmas? You got it. You want to teach about Jesus in school? You got it. You don’t want to be burdened by evidence and facts? Here’s some #alternativefacts for you.
Trump, without a doubt, was the strongest shield against the shattering of your world view. Now, with Trump as president, you can call a spade a spade, and you can call a nigger a nigger, and its totally alright.
For decades corporate and union interests have dictated our policies. The most astounding moment in Trump’s campaign was when, during a debate against those spineless Republicans representing the establishment, Trump just came out and told everyone how the sausage was made. “I give them money, they do want I want them to do. I probably gave some of these guys up here some money a time or two.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.
What Trump touched in all of us was a desire to get rid of those who would deprive us of our hard-earned money, ship out our jobs to brown people overseas (thus forcing us to have to deal with talking to representatives named “John” or “Mary” who obviously spoke English as a second language – and I use “spoke” loosely), and causing us to lose our homes because they couldn’t figure out how to best manage their money and make a profit.
Now that Trump is president, and even though his cabinet is full of billionaires, and even though he’s and his ilk are reaping the benefits of the massive tax cuts passed by the Republicans last year, I think Trump is still on track to clean up Washington and, as such, we should all be glad this man is president.
#8. More Experience than even experienced generals
The worst thing about illegitimate President Obama is that he disrespected our military. Of course a man who never served a day in his life in our beloved armed forces couldn’t understand them. That’s why when Trump became POTUS, I was like “Finally, a man who understands the military.”
People, I’m a veteran, so it was refreshing to me that a man who was deferred from going to Vietnam five times was finally given the reigns of power as Commander-in-Chief of the US Armed Forces. I mean, who but a man with the groundbreaking vision of Donald J. Trump could hope to lead the world’s greatest force? Bernie Sanders? Hillary Clinton? Lindsey Graham? None of those candidates had the military experience of Donald Trump, including Lindsey Graham, the only one of the aforementioned who actually served in the military. I mean Hillary never even got called to go to Vietnam. With Trump at the reigns, how could we not #MakeAmericaGreatAgain ?
#7. He’s bringing back jobs
Sure, Carrier still shipped out jobs to Mexico. Sure, AT&T laid off several hundred people. So did Cox. So did Comcast. So did Walmart… That’s not the point. The point is, Trump is going to bring back jobs, starting with coal.
Never mind that coal is being killed off by natural gas, renewable energy, automation, and improvements in technology, Trump sees the bigger picture. I mean, clean coal is the future, and we need people to be able to clean that coal, so there you go: JOBS! Trump, from the day he was inaugurated, has proven himself as the jobs president.
#6. He knows how to relax
Our president gets a lot of flack for golfing as much as he does, especially after criticizing illegitimate President Barack Hussein Obama for his many vacation days. Here’s the thing, though: Trump has done much more work than NOBAMA ever did. And while it’s true that he’s on track to outspend Nobama on vacation trips, he’s also on track to reduce the deficit, make peace in the Middle East, and remove the Mexicans from the United States. With all these accomplishments, how can one expect the man to just cloister himself in the oval office? What more can he do?
#5. He knows how to talk to the ladies
“Grab’em by the pussy.” That was the phrase heard ‘round the world. But why? Why was it such a big deal? It was locker room talk, just like the man said. We all do it, men and women alike. If I had a dime for every woman that said to me she’d like to take a guy and grab him by the dick, I wouldn’t have any dimes. And that’s beside the point. The point is, up until Trump said it, women didn’t have a problem. But here’s the thing: they secretly like it. Oh, they’ll march against sexual harassment. They’ll scream about consent and respecting boundaries. They might even sue you for several million dollars. The truth is, though, if women didn’t like it, people like Donald Trump, Tony Perkins, and Franklin Graham wouldn’t be married.
#4. He’s the best business man
The greatest problem with America is that these politicians don’t know how to run the country. But Trump, you see, is a business man. For the longest time, many of us who found ourselves sick of the incompetence of Congress and the likes of Saddam Hussein Nobama yearned for a business man to finally come in and ruin run the country.
Ladies and gentlemen, not only did we get a businessman, we have the greatest businessman the world has ever known. With a Bachelors of Science in Economics (not from the Wharton School of Business), and massive holdings around the world, Trump not only has the intellect,
but the experience and expertise to turn this country around. Now, his detractors will dutifully remind us that he’s gone bankrupt at least six times, including a casino bankruptcy, and that the casino magnates blacklisted him from starting a casino in Vegas, but what businessman goes through his career without running into roadblocks from time to time? The truth is, while he may not have as much money as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, he does have more money than Barry Hussein, which affords him the lavish, golden palace in the sky where his wife usually stays.
#3. He was chosen by God
One of the truisms of history is that God chooses the leaders. According to the Holy Bible, Book of Romans 13:1:
Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
The Bible clearly states that leaders are chosen by God. Mind you, this doesn’t apply to Democrats, whom we all know are chosen by Satan, because they often go against the will of God, throwing in their lot with those #nastywomen who are constantly clamoring for abortions and free condoms.
This fact alone should see Trump as the greatest president in history, but it’s so much more than just being chosen by God.
You see, with all Trump’s flaws – his infidelity, his illegal activities, his not quite telling what some less discerning people would call “truth” – God still saw fit to make this man the leader of our great nation. If you’re finding yourself asking why Trump was chosen, it’s because Trump was the only candidate that could honestly be viewed as a servant of God. So never mind his alleged flaws.
#2. He is a very stable genius
That statement says it all. There are a lot of people who think they’re geniuses. I’ve learned, over the years, that one of the ways you can tell that you’re dealing with a person who is pretentious rather than intelligent is their self-proclamations of genius. But see, Trump didn’t say that he was a genius. He said he was a very stable genius and that he was, like, a smart person, which is totally different than merely calling himself a genius. If you take this into account with the fact that he is in peak physical condition, and that he is relatively young compared to Hillary Clinton (let me remind you Crooked Hillary is 69 years old, and Donald Trump is 71 years young), Trump is the perfect man to run the country, and you should love that fact.
#1. He is white
We gave a black Muslim communist atheist by the name of Lyin’ Jong Un Pol Pot Stalin Hussein Obama, the co-founder of the terrorist group ISIS, eight long years to prove that he could be a credit to the black race. It’s amazing to me that we survived the ghetto influence of the Obamas and their hoodrat children. I mean, to this day, I’m surprised they weren’t selling crack outside the White House. I’m surprised they didn’t invite all their relatives and hold a cookout every July 4th where the vegetable of choice was marijuana.
That black bastard never showed us his real birth certificate, the one that showed that he was born in Kenya. The reason Nobama was so bad, and I hate to say this, was because he was black. You know it, I know it, and his wife Patrick Ewing knows it.
The refreshing thing about Trump is that he’s white, and I’m not ashamed to say it. For too long white men have been the subjects of scapegoating and persecution. So when it came time for the white man to take the reigns of power, jubilation erupted among the white race. It was about time the white man got a shot at being president, and that white man won on his very first try.
You know, as long as Trump is my president, your president, an everyone’s president, he’s going to have those who wish to do him harm. You’re going to have those people that want to sway your opinion on Trump by introducing “facts” into your discussion, but if you want to show how strong your faith is in Trump and just can’t find a way to defend him against troublesome evidence and maybe even his own words, feel free to share this article outlining all ten reasons why Trump is America’s greatest president.
If you’ve made through this list of absurdities, congratulations. As you may have surmised, this post is meant to be satirical. Thank you for using time you will never get back to read my work. If you’d like to discuss some of the veiled (or not-so-veiled) points made in this article, feel free to comment on this post or shoot me an email via Get in Touch.