Ajit Pai trying to appear important

Ajit Pai: A New Coon for a New Era (or, not your friend in the digital age)

Disclaimer: this post is about Net Neutrality (I know, snoooooore), but if you’re easily offended by butt stuff, you should probably ignore most of it and just skip to the third to the last paragraph for how you can help save the internet.

I used a racial epithet in my title.  I want you know it wasn’t intended to be racial.  My being black is my excuse to bandy about racial slurs.

I can do it but you can’t!  Black card!

When I use the word “coon,” I mean “sellout.”  After reading that, you’re probably wondering two things: who the fuck as Ajit Pai, and why is he a sellout?

Come close and I will tell you.

Ajit Pai trying to appear important
Ajit Pai, FCC Commissioner and Ginormous Douche

Ajit Pai is a former Verizon executive who is currently the Commissioner of the Federal Communications Commission (you know, that pesky regulator who, prior to the advent of that geriatric minority vote winner currently occupying that dump we all lovingly refer to as the White House, stood between you and a massive cell phone / internet bill).  Ajit Pai wants to make it harder (and likely more expensive) for you to access the internet.

In short, Ajit Pai is a ginormous douchebag.

Why is this something that you need to know?  The amount you pay per month after December 14th will most probably start rising.  Either that or you’ll begin noticing you’re 4G/LTE and home internet services are really piss poor (and I mean, like, way more piss poor than they are now).

I’m going to be honest with you: I only care about this issue because I work for a giant telecom who will stand to benefit from the actions that Donald Trump’s FCC will be taking on December 14th.  Basically, what you can expect is a vote on whether or not to do away with seemingly obscure, boring, and meaningless regulations centered around the phrase net neutrality.

What is net neutrality?  I’m happy you asked.

Net neutrality, loosely defined by me, is open access to the internet.  Basically, no higher charges for what have been termed “internet fast lanes.”  Think of it like this: if the internet is a highway, it’s currently the Audubon.  You can drive as fast as you like without interference from anybody but the other speedsters cruising the highway around you.  Barring some fatal accident that would immediately lead to the revocation of your driving privileges, the road is yours.

What Ajit Pai and the FCC (and by extension, Fuhrer Trump) would like to do is put a speed limit on that highway.  They want internet service providers (you know, those corporations to whom you grudgingly give money every month for shitty service) to live secure in the knowledge that they can limit how fast you can drive, especially if you find yourself competing with them for some weird reason, and then turn around and charge you a lot of money for the privilege of driving the same speed as they.

I care about net neutrality for a very simple, very selfish reason: I deal with customers every day (some of whom supported Emperor Orange) who call me just to bitch and moan about how crappy their service is, and how they’re considering going to my employer’s competitor(s) because, apparently, one telecom is different from any other telecom.  I don’t like getting cursed out by any of you, and yet, I’m probably going to have to live with the distinct displeasure of listening to grown men and women further reduce themselves to the level of kindergartners with a penchant for vomiting expletives and vulgarities most federal prison inmates and soldiers would be ashamed to listen to.  Why?  Because my employer will most probably slow down your internet speeds (or, at least throttle the speeds of your favorite sites) whilst simultaneously charging you more, then paying me to tell you why it’s good for you, and why you should be happy about having a nail-studded baseball bat jammed up your sweet ass.

Our collective nightmare is one wherein we must pay more money for our porn.  I mean, shit, if you’re like me, you’ve spent at most the last two decades figuring out how to avoid paying for porn, only to have all of your efforts undone by a greedy former Verizon executive who works for an even greedier seventy-one year old toddler who thinks it really is sanitary to piss on all of our mattresses because he won this obviously rigged contest of idiots and liars in this mysterious engine of Western civilization we call democracy (whatever the fuck that means).

Net neutrality is probably one of few issues that all of us can agree on, regardless of race, color, sex, gender, gender identity, creed, political party, penchant for butt stuff or lack thereof.

So what can you do to make your voice known?  It’s simple.  Head on over to https://www.battleforthenet.com/ and let those proper pig fuckers–who feign representing you while actually suckling at the nipples of corporate lobbyists, CEOs, and the ultra-wealthy–know that you can’t even, right now, because you have kids and you need a distraction when the tele isn’t available (or else you need something to entertain you when your significant other is at work).  I would recommend being polite about it, though.  It serves none of us to make our representatives relive the horror of a Black Mirror episode where a politician finally came face to face (or dick to butt) with how the sausage is made.

Also, fuck Ajit Pai.  He’s kind of a douche.

By the way, since I’m probably going to be fired the moment my employer gets a hold of this article, please feel free to share it far and wide to help my nonexistent add revenues.

 

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